Britain has always had its fair share of bunting, though this appears to have escalated in recent years. I suspect it may have been by decree of whatever self-serving oaf had been Prime Minister of the day, a decorative distraction to accompany bloated bombast and flag-waving frenzy. Still – in the right place – the bunting does add a level of charm that prospective PMs could only dream of possessing.

Imagine however this bunting baseline multiplied a thousand due to a 70th anniversary of some old dear sat on the throne. I arrived in Britain a few days after this milestone and while everyone was naturally grumpy at being back at work (or just naturally grumpy), remnants of jubilee jollity remained. And lingered. And are probably still there now. An excess of string and wool and cheap faded plastic that will only finally go when some climate cataclysm washes it away. Because the local council have no money to take it all down (much like the Christmas lights lurking in some Plymouth trees). Rule Britannia!

And as one prepares to make acquaintance with one’s latest imbecile serving at one’s pleasure, it appears a number of other directives will remain in force in Great Britain:

1. Biscoff must be offered at every food outlet, even though it is incredibly overrated. Furthermore, one cannot simply consume Biscoff in its original, intended format, i.e. accompanying a scalding hot mug of bitter coffee-flavoured tears.

2. On the subject of coffee, lattes must continue to resemble anything from a reasonable flat white to a ridiculous glass of hot milk. The type of latte must always be delivered at random. Flat whites should continue not to resemble flat whites produced in the colonies.

3. Customers in the quiet carriage should employ eye rolls and a quiet tut-tut to ensure the man shouting loudly on his mobile phone about how he is hoping to reach Darlington before 2024 is pacified. They should not expect railway employees (if available) to intervene, other than to instigate their own eye roll and tut-tut.

4. Never, ever say anything is Brexit’s fault. As you wait for 48 hours queuing to board the Eurotunnel, admire the sunlit uplands containing rotting vegetables and breathe in the diesel fumes.

5. One should not expect a thoroughfare marked on an Ordnance Survey map to automatically guarantee a safe and untainted passage.

6. One should always be entitled – anywhere in the realm – to drive for hours listening out for a combination of Olly Murs, Little Mix and Edward Sheeran to win one hundred thousand pounds sterling.

7. Affliction from over-exposure to sun can only be discussed with another subject when sitting out in the sun without any protection.

8. National Trust parking attendants are hereby decreed to act with the power of God.

9. Landowners are permitted to gather bales of hay in square format but must be advised that these are aesthetically inferior to the rounded version sited in an undulating meadow.

10. One must not expect assistance in payment from any of the House of Windsor or associates for a subject’s six thousand pound (or higher) energy bill. Subjects should be made aware that one is personally conserving energy by disallowing one’s son to appear in public for pizza.

And remember, one is watching you!